Feeling sad

I am feeling very sad this morning. Not depressed, just sad. You know the feeling, when your heart literally is hurting and the tears are swimming in your eyes.

This morning I will be meeting a client who has become a friend for him to sign his will. He has been diagnosed with cancer and of course, things need to be put in order.

I’m not sad for him, he has made his peace and he is happy to go. I am sad because in the greater scheme of things, our lives are too short if we are happy and making something of them and ironically, probably too long for those who have nothing and no-one.

Most of our days are filled with busyness that don’t allow us to stop and “smell the roses”. Most days feel like we are on a treadmill, rushing from one thing to the next, without taking a breath – and then we do exactly the same thing the next day! Most days, we push ourselves to do things that are more for other people than ourselves and then those other people don’t even appreciate it! And then we waste the weekend “recovering” from our busy week. Talk about a vicious circle.

I can’t say I regret doing anything I have done. I learnt lessons from all the things that went wrong. I do wish that I had learnt the lesson sooner, if fact, sometimes when I think how long and painful it has been to recover from some of my lessons, I wish I had listened to Viv’s sage “Don’t do it” but the only lesson I would have learnt then would have been resentment. We learn lessons better from doing than listening.

Which brings me back to why I feel sad. I am not doing what I want to be doing, during “working time”, I mean. I am good at what I do, at times I enjoy it very much, but after 31 years of doing it, enough already… I have felt this way for quite a long time and every time I get close to being able to move more away from it, something happens. Yesterday one of my staff resigned. I have figured out by now, that it takes eight months for a new staff member to become fully accustomed to how we operate. The thought of having to postpone what I want to do for another eight months feels absolutely soul destroying.

There is a solution to this, of course. There has to be, there always is, the trick is just to find it.

What I want to ask you is: Are you doing what you want to? Are you getting the most out of your life for you, not your partner, parents, family, clients – YOU?

One day runs into the next – make changes while you still can.

Until next time – be good to yourself first.

Alone

“I restore myself when I’m alone.”
Marilyn Monroe

alone

I know a lot of people aren’t going to get this, but my favourite thing is to be alone.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t like visiting with friends, going out, spending time with family and loved ones, it just means that I really enjoy being with the one person I am never away from … me.

So, seeing as I am always with me, what is the big deal about spending time alone?
That is when I recharge instead of being drained. When I have time to think instead of solving problems, when I can start on one thing and end up somewhere altogether somewhere else and have such a good time along the way. When the tick tock I hear is my beating heart and not the clock…

What do I want to do when I am alone? Nothing and everything. The most activity takes place in my head. I can be reading a novel, sorting through some of the many articles I have kept, tidying up files on my computer, or on an extremely rare occasion watching a movie by myself. I have looked through loads of websites for hobbies, but I haven’t found anything that irritates me. (Suggestions welcome)

Some people cannot be alone. While having the utmost sympathy for people who always have to be around others to be entertained, I just don’t get that they don’t know themselves well enough to appreciate the person they are. Unless of course, they are a bit of a jerk, in which case it would depend on themselves if they were willing to change. Unfortunately, people don’t know what they don’t know and some don’t want to do anything about it even if they did!

Others are lonely even when they are with people. From my experience, those people maybe want to be with people that aren’t there anymore instead of trying to enjoy the people with them at the moment.

Have you ever played the “Ja but” game? It goes like this:

• It’s so nice to be by myself. Ja but wait, one day when you are all alone, you will be sorry
• It’s so nice to have such silence. Ja but wait, if you go deaf one day, you will wish to hear the sounds again
We even do it with the weather!!
• Lovely warm weather. Ja but wait, just now we are going to be wishing for cooler days
• Nice to have rain. Ja but wait, there’ll be too much and then there’ll be floods

Wow – we complain about EVERYTHING – and the most about things we can’t even control!

Which brings me back to me. I am going through a much needed recharge at the moment. Everything and everybody was just getting too much for me. Things that normally didn’t even bother me was suddenly demanding a reaction that would have involved temper tantrums in the least and violence at the most. Thinking back now, I’m actually ashamed that things have got to this point, but having gone through burnout in 2009, it feels like it is starting again and if it took me three months and intense therapy to recover last time, I don’t want to go through that again.

So I have imposed a two week absence from work on myself. I know it sounds crazy, seeing as we work from home, but luckily my office is inside so I can physically separate myself. Mentally it’s not so easy, because there are still things I want to work on, part of the stress that has been building up – but I need to be away from that daily having to deal with things.

And thanks to my awesome team at MGL, with Viv fielding the calls and supported by Helen, I am able to step away. Almost away. As away as possible.

May you too take an opportunity to step away, recharge and make a good start.